vampireapologist:

vampireapologist:

vampireapologist:

vampireapologist:

I don’t hang out with white dudes who use mustache wax anymore bc it’s only a matter of time b4 they fall in love with me and find out I’m gay and write a song on their…idk..their fuckin harpsichord or banjo or ukulele about the girl from the forest who broke their heart but also they don’t even like hiking

i know this seems oddly specific & that’s bc it is

3 times

people keep asking me to link the songs and the fact that y’all think these dudes have soundcloud or recording equipment or even the intent to put in any work is already giving them too much credit. this type of man specifically performs this song to you, without warning, at a small get-together with friends, maybe even in public, making sure you are absolutely cornered, when they’re day-drunk on craft beers.

quicksilver-rain:

quicksilver-rain:

quicksilver-rain:

One of the contractors at work drove past my shack on a forklift yesterday, stopped, backed up to my window and said, “hey, do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend?”

My knee jerk response when asked this, even if it’s by a companionable dude old enough to be my dad, is to go, “uh, nah-” and then ramble uncomfortably until someone stops me-

-which is what I started to do, only to be cut off by Contractor saying, in an embarrassed rush, “some of the guys were asking me because you and I talk sometimes, but I didn’t want them to hit on you at work, so I told them that you Worship the Devil and would Hex them if they tried. I’m sorry.”

Which leaves me wheezing helplessly, trying to get my shit together, because this is honestly one of the nicest, most hysterical things I’ve ever heard someone say to me.

Oblivious to this, Contractor then follows up with, “and they were like ‘forreal??’ so I was like, ‘yeah, she’s probably a sadist, too, you can tell by her jewelry. She’ll stab you or something.’”

And tbh I can’t even come up with anything witty to say in response, so all I manage to choke out is, “pleASE LET THEM CONTINUE TO THINK THAT, I’M BEGGING YOU.”

And Contractor just smiles and is like, “Okay! I just wanted to let you know!” before driving off with his forklift.

Like?? Thank god for Contractor tbh. He’s an angel among men, and I hope the rest of his life is filled with prosperity and happiness and like, that he finds $20 on the ground every week for the rest of his life.

Update: Every time Contractor sees me, he does a little Devil Horns gesture at me and its adorable.

Update the Second: I saw Contractor while doing my tour and he told me that the guy that asked if I was single was around, and that if I saw him, I should just make complicated hand gestures at him while I walk by to scare him off.

This guy’s a fuckin gem.

the-real-numbers:

altnasa:

I am never ever ever going to be over that criminal minds episode (I think it’s like the third one?) where the college kids are like “have you ever tried to solve the three body problem? mutual gravitation between the earth, moon, and sun?” and I just… is this class being taught by a mathematician? you ignore the moon… it’s tiny… so little…

Small brain: just make a simple two-body model without the moon, it’s too complicated to include it.

Normal brain: Make a three body model and include the moon.

Big brain: what are you, a Mathematician? The moon’s mass is small enough to ignore. Make it a two-body problem.

Galaxy brain:*abusing the shared computational resources to simulate every dust speck in the universe* make it an everybody problem.

left-reminders:

whataterrificaudience:

whataterrificaudience:

one of the funniest subtle details in spongebob was when they threw a party for sandy and the banner said “HAPPY TEXAS”

notesfromalabprincess:

Me: Talks for 5 minutes about what students can expect on their next exam and the final, “So does anyone have any questions?”

“Is your hair darker?”